Across the table.

If you were sitting across or next to me at my favorite coffee shop down the road, I would ask how you are doing. Not just one of those generic questions that people often ask when passing, but one of those look into your eyes genuinely asking you how you are kind of questions. You can tell me the extraordinary things going on in your world, but I honestly just want to know how and where your heart is.

But since we may not be able to do a coffee date or meal together as soon as I’d like (tomorrow?), sit down here and stay as long as you’d like. I want to hear about you, friend. Maybe you’re doing okay like me, but even if you’re not you are more than welcome to show up here no matter what is going on. Life is a whirlwind of feelings and events mixed with the daily grind that we all are in currently.

Right now I can’t help but get caught up in gratitude because of my “happy file” (want to hear about this project of mine?) and also a tugging feeling of uncertainty. God is doing something in me different than other seasons of growth. I can’t put my finger on the red dot on the map, but I know I’m going somewhere. I’m not just sitting still; I am moving around in the pain and growing with a new capacity I hope. Changes scare me, but even more than that is the thought that I would just sit in the comfort. Most people and things that I love and that are precious to me seem far away and out of my reach. And still, I am where He wants me. If something else would better fit me, His hand would have (or will soon) lead me there.

I’m very aware of the restlessness of the world and the restlessness I am in today, this week, this month, and most of this year. Now I see it’s because I’m holding too tightly of what my life used to be like. Pride wants me to have it all together and to be seen in a certain way. But all my life used to be is no longer present. I’m now in a place that I don’t quite know to be in. It’s easy to forget who we are or what to do outside of our struggles. It can be embedded in us like a deep scar that you can’t get to go away. If we don’t learn to release and walk in freedom, the past and circumstances will be something that goes everywhere with us.

Maybe this year has been that for you so far like it has been for me. Wounds have tried to hold onto me tightly; cutting deep, making my heart bleed and trying to confuse me about who I am becoming or where I am going. Fear wants me to stay alone, in the same place. It’s dark, cloudy, and heavy there. Fear doesn’t like company, community, or truth. It likes to be alone so it can choke the life and growth out. I’m more determined and convicted than ever before to not let the darkness or enemy win, no matter how circumstances do or don’t look bright. God in us is greater than all that is around us. Remember, that is enough for us.

You are no exception to the fact that God never wastes anything. Sometimes I tend to think I may be the exception, but that will forever be a lie. It’s a lie that change isn’t possible, hope is limited, faith isn’t real, or that God isn’t in the specific details of my life (and yours!). Change is possible and already evident if we are looking for it. Hope is not limited; it’s a fresh well when we’re doing life with Him. And God is in the specific details of our lives; more specifically, He is in it all. Let’s keep a grateful heart for what God is doing in this season, excitement for what is coming, and a mind that focuses on truth.

Fight song of hope.

It’s days like today that I feel it all starting over again. Pain is deep in my heart from my mind replaying every part of her story. I had to look at my calendar to see what the date was; I only knew it was about her and many others who have struggled with mental illness.

Grief isn’t something you get through and move on from. It’s something you live with and you let grow you. It doesn’t define you, but it will always be a part of you. It makes me feel empty and shallow, but also full of dark heaviness.

I still think of her often even with her gone. I still think of her smile and what she would be today. I still think of things I wish I would’ve said and done. But all I have is photos, memories, and words. They never leave even when she has.

This day used to pass me by, unnoticed. You never really know how much it means until it’s you sobbing on your bedroom floor and shaking uncontrollably because you can’t believe they’re gone. It seems unreal; like a nightmare but you have to live it. Mental illness has touched me several times before, and I may never be the same because of it. It can be my biggest wound, but also strength if I let it.

“It’s like as if life itself has been drained from my body and mind. I don’t know what’s going on, but I want out.  I want it to be over. It isn’t supposed to be me on this side of things, yet here I am. But watch out, I’m going to win.” (Excerpt from a book I may never write)

Sometimes we need reminders that we need to stay. Stay in the fight. Stay in the hard places and do the hard things. I refuse to believe that it won’t get better or that it won’t be worth it because it will be. I stay and just try to breathe until I see hope, love, and light. Then I hold onto it until it begins to surround me and start writing fight songs of hope. We all need words we can remind ourselves of when we cannot see the sun.

1: I hope you know this is not the end. There is more to life than what you now know. Light is on the other side of this, but you have to fight to see it in this season.

2: Even if it’s just a glimmer of hope you see each day, hold onto it. You need it for yourself. It will help you to go in when you’re not sure you can. You can and you will; you just wait and see.

3: Stay and keep choosing to stay; even when dreams seem shattered and life is a dark, thick fog. Or when everything in your in your world is big, uncertain, moving fast, and you’re full of fear. I need you to stay and many others need you to too. You’re stuck on a page, but not for good. Promise me one thing, okay? Promise me that you will continue to fight.

Fight for yourself. Fight for tomorrow. Fight for your future. Fight for golden days. Fight for hope.
[1-800-273-8255 – Suicide Hotline]

Check on your loved ones and then check on them again. See through their lies and help them to help you. If you are struggling, don’t hesitate to get help. Every life is worth it.

 

 

Choosing to say yes.

Even when you’re not sure where something will lead, maybe you should just go for it. I applied to work at my dream summer camp two summers ago. I could think of and plan for nothing more than working at this camp. I waited hopefully, but a rejection came. There were no open slots and no positions offered. I was disappointed and cried some tears of discouragement. My expectations were crushed and I thought that hope was gone for good.

But something changed this year. Instead of just seeing that as a loss, I wanted to try again. I was afraid of being rejected again but decided to try anyway. Sometimes things scare us because they are the big things that have the potential to change our lives. We’re talking about change for the better, so why don’t we just see where it leads? With no huge plans or expectations, I sent in an application again. I was soon put on the waiting list and they ended up offering me a contract a few weeks after that. I’m excited to be working the summer in the mountains and to see how this new adventure will change me.

We only have fear to lose, but everything to gain. I lost my fear of trying again. I lost my fear of failing. I am learning to build a life out of what I love and who I love, instead of fear and a life of doing the predictable, safe things.

Be sure of your ‘yes’, but also be open and okay that it may not go just how you think it will. We make choices monthly, weekly, daily, and even hourly. But what kind of choices are we making? Are we building out of fear or love? Both will get stronger with time; we are making or breaking our future with what we choose. Choosing well can bring you closer to where you want to be with every step that you take.

Each decision leads to something, whether good or bad. Life is a process of tiny (sometimes seemingly insignificant) choices that add up to where we are now and where we one day will be. Nothing will happen just overnight. It is all a series of choices and chapters in your story.

Even if you’re not completely sure yet, maybe you shouldn’t just end it. Hold out for a hot minute. Some of my best friendships started off with an awkward first impression, but we ended up moving past that and onto a deep relationship. Don’t leave too early before you see what a person or opportunity really is. Sometimes it takes time, and that time is always worth it. It will show you why you may need to step away, or why you may want to move closer because this is what you’ve been waiting for. You aren’t to the end or your destination; this could be you arriving at the start of the trip.

Let’s not be in such a hurry to figure things out or feel like we’ve “made it”. 

Let’s toss our expectations in the junk folder and not let them control us.

Let’s choose well, but not let fear make us paranoid about what could go wrong.

Let’s take a deep breathe and focus on living and loving the life that we are in.

Let’s say ‘yes’ even when we are scared. I don’t want to miss what is on the other side, but to choose yes. It might be just what I’ve been looking for all along.

Let it be love.

Okay, so I think every one of our stories have some sort of elephant in the room, something that takes up space. It keeps us from telling the real story happening below the surface. So much could be hidden in the darkness, because of just one thing.

It’s been fear for me, as long as I can remember. I have fought against it and with it for such a long time. It’s met me in every highlight of my life, but also the footnotes. Whether you call it anxiety, fear, or worry, it wants to keep you in a tight box.

Fear has done a lot for me that I wish I hadn’t allowed it to.

Fear has written texts and emails for me.

Fear has accepted and declined invitations for me because I let obligation and people-pleasing get in the way of choosing well.

Fear has left some of my opportunities unopened, as if it were unwanted news or junk.

Fear has kept a mask on me so that little to no honesty and vulnerability would show.

After all,  you fake it until you make it, right? Even if I’m not doing fine (like I tell everyone I am), could I possibly admit that? I find myself listening to fear’s voice more often than truth and love. It’s because it is more familiar, louder, and validates the lies that I catch myself thinking. Maybe you have these thoughts too.

“No one really cares at the end of the day.”

“I need to go to the party or they will think I don’t like people, excitement, or events.”

“No one is actually going to stay once they know who I truly am.”

“They think I can’t do a good job on this, so I’m not going to even try. It must be true.”

Somehow, we’ve gotten too comfortable with fear. But it does anything but comfort us. Fear is dangerous. Fear is poison to our minds. Fear feeds us lies, making us think that we deserve more. Fear has the potential to suck out all the joy, happiness, and truth in our minds, hearts, and lives.

We’ve got to label the bottle for what it is, or it will become more powerful than it should have ever been. A realization of what something is can change everything. Process what you have been believing, living, and thinking about yourself, others, and your life. Suddenly, things will make more sense than ever before and you will have answers. The answers to your questions you find may chock you. I remember the day I realized I had a huge problem with letting go; not only was I not willing to let go of unnecessary things, but also relationships that weren’t good for me. Ouch. They were connected.

Not everything anxiety and fear tell are true; few things actually are. Too often we hesitate making any tiny decision, and begin to agree with the quiet thoughts that tell us we can’t do this or aren’t enough. We miss out on so much because we pause, but then also step back and don’t end up doing anything.

The stuff we would rather not go through will be the very things that help to grow, stretch, build, and transform us into gold. Gold cannot exist without refining fire. It’s time for me (and time for you) to start to build a life out of love instead of fear. Let’s let fear remind us to fight, but that’s all. It’s only when we know fear that we can understand how much how much we need the opposite—true, real, lasting, durable love.

Love lasts, even when it feels like cutting the tie.

Love fights, even when it feels like giving up.

Love shows up, even when it feels vulnerable and exposed.

Love that builds a strong foundation, instead of tearing down.

Love stays, even when it feels like running the opposite direction.

Tonight, this week, this month, this year, this life—we have a decision. Will we let fear keep us standing still, or will we let it push us towards something better—love?

Honesty Hour

I don’t want to hear something impressive. I want to hear something real; especially in a world of one-sided friendships, perfectly edited posts, and everyone trying to keep it together. You need it for you. I need it for me. We need it for us. The shallow end has very little to offer us in the long run. One day at a time, little things and small words will add up to big victories and greater progress.

You will get there and I will too.

Lately, I can’t stop thinking how God wants me to stop running and start living; even in the here and now. Even in the uncertainty of this season. Even in the pain. Even in unexpected circumstances and timing of my life.

It is in the here and now that He is working and using things—hard things—to change me and you. Situations can cause my life to truly begin now or make me quit. The choosing is up to me.

There are little victories in life that we hardly stop to notice. Progress is happening every single day. You got up. You called a friend. You reached out to someone. You were gentle with yourself. You ate well and took good care of your body. You replaced your negative thoughts with positive ones. You prayed and read when you’d rather sleep more. You said no and you said yes to things. You asked for help when you needed it. You did what you’ve been putting off. You showed up. You gave it your best. You didn’t do everything, but you did something. Don’t give in to the thought that you can’t or admit defeat. Keep going and celebrating. Just keep going.

Keep going when the nights are dark and long, make you believe all sorts of lies.

Keep going when you think you’ll never recover from that heartbreak or forget him.

Keep going when your person is no longer your person, and you’ve had to move on without a piece of yourself.

Keep going when others don’t support or celebrate you like they should.

Keep going when you lose that precious friend or family member to cancer, suicide, or illness.

Keep going when you don’t want to trust anyone anymore and you find yourself not even knowing how to.

Keep going when your expectations go unmet and hope seems only like a glimmer.

Keep going when you have failed and your dreams have been broken into tiny, shattered pieces.

Keep going even when you don’t want to acknowledge the pain surrounding you.

Keep going when you’re struggling to stay or see beauty in your tomorrow.

Write down your daily victories and watch as you begin to be able to look back at all the progress you have made. Everyday that you are living and fighting is worth celebrating.  I’ve started to write small hope notes too—reminders to keep alive and hold onto even when we don’t feel like it.

1: I hope you know this is not the end. There is more to life than what you know now. Light is on the other side of this; sometimes you just have to fight to see it.

2:  Even if it is just a glimmer you see of hope each day, hold onto it. You need it for yourself. You need help to go on when you think there is no way you can. You can and you will just you wait and see.

3: Stay and keep choosing to stay; even when happiness looks far away and your world is a dark, thick fog. Or when everything seems to be big, unclear, moving fast, and you are full of fear. You will not be left behind. Staying is hard, but worth it, because diamonds come from pressure.

4: Wherever you’re at, know that this is not where your story ends. You’re on a page and maybe feel stuck in a particular chapter, but not for good. Not everything lasts forever; in fact, very few things actually do. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the next thing. Before you know it, you will be turning the page to another chapter. There can be another ending besides the one you know by heart.

5: What others say of you, think of you, and even what they do to you doesn’t change the masterpiece that you are. Not everyone will see you for who you really are, but those that do will see a heart of gold.

Remember, you and I will make it—one victory at a time. Keep hope alive for yourself and the person next to you. Let’s be real, honest, and present for each other in doing the thing this year!

Let’s choose well.

2019 will be a year of…choosing well. I want to choose rest and calm instead of chaos and just being busy. I want to choose agape love when I’d rather distance myself or be bitter. I want to choose to do the hard, holy things that will really help me become who I want to be.

I want to choose well. I want to choose time with Jesus instead of just running around doing things that don’t matter or scrolling my phone. I want to choose well what I put in, because I know it will be what comes out. I want to choose honesty, vulnerability, and being real instead of having to always appear to have it together. It may make me shake and want to hide, but there is no reason to apologize. The invitation to be authentically you is right here. We’re all human and it gets messy, but the mess is beautiful.

I want to choose to say “no” when a “yes” would be more comfortable and gain approval.

I want to choose to build; build strong relationships, build trust, build ministry, and build more skill in what I do. Sometimes, I may need to break it down and start over, but I want to be careful I’m not just doing that because I’m afraid to stay and put work in.

I want to do many things this coming year; more heart-to-hearts, more selfless actions, more listening, more writing, more asking for help when I need it, more ministry and counseling, and more celebrating life just where I’m at. But most of all, I want to choose not to rush God in what He is doing. I want to be present in every moment, not wishing I was someone else doing something else, living a different life. 2019 will be a year of choosing well every day.

I’m saying goodbye to rushing through life and not making the best choices, or not making one at all because I’m fearful. The more I choose well, the more time I will have, and be at peace knowing it was my best yes. The more I choose well, the more I will love this life I’m living. The more I choose well, the more I will release what isn’t meant for me and hold onto what is.

2018 was a year of new adventures, friends, experiences, and change. I flew for the first time and travelled to Florida, South Carolina, Chattanooga, and Knoxville. I met two people who quickly became very close friends. I wrote for More Love Letters, started this writing corner, fundraised for mental illness, and wrote hundreds of letters. I started certified counseling training and started writing my book. I saw one of my childhood friends get married and stood as her maid of honor. I spent time with my favorite little ones and laughed until I cried. I did long distance with my people and made it work. I’ve had lots of tacos, lemonade, and have seen some stunning sunsets.

It wasn’t without a lot of loss, heartbreak, transition, and uncertainty. I lost a friend to suicide. I was ghosted and left, without any explanation. Friends were hospitalized, and my heart skipped a beat not knowing if they were okay. My heart was broken multiple times by guys I thought cared. Trust was shattered and I was replaced. I changed churches and am about to move hours away. I struggled with my health and relationships. I fell and saw those closest to me fall, but I also saw them get back up.

It was the hardest year yet, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I wouldn’t want to miss what God did in my heart and life. I’ll never forget it, but He’s not done yet. I don’t know what this year will hold, but I’m choosing hope.

Let’s make the best of this year and just do the thing! Cheering you on, friend!

A love note.

It’s no surprise how much More Love Letters means to me, or how much I stand behind what they do! After all, words are my love language and I’ve been writing letters as long as I could remember. I loved being able to share some of my story of loss on their blog this year. It has made my heart happy to be able to help spread hope around the globe and leave love notes for strangers, especially in a tough season. If you don’t know what More Love Letters is all about, you can click here to learn about it. From December 3-14 they are rolling out their biggest love letter writing campaign and need your help to make it happen!

I may never be able to meet and speak to each one I send a letter too, but I can write words of life for them to be able to read and hold in their hands. Writing words on paper is a powerful thing to be able to do for another human. It is simple and small, but can mean so much. With just paper, an envelope, and postage, you can write whatever is on your heart and show up for someone who may be far away.

Today you have an opportunity to share love with someone in need this holiday season too.

Torri’s sister requested a bundle of letters for her + shared with us:
“My sister Torri is an amazingly selfless and giving person who would give you the shirt
off her back. For example, when a friend’s house burned to the ground, she solicited and organized donations to help the family. Torri will answer her phone at all hours if a
friend calls in need, will drive for miles to run an errand for someone who needs help,
and will offer up last minute babysitting services for those moms and dads who just
need a break. When I was sick with cancer, she drove for hours to find a pumpkin pie for
me in the middle of July, because she knew it would be one thing that I would eat. Her
willingness to help really knows no bounds.
I won’t say that Torri’s selflessness goes unnoticed because the people that she helps are
always appreciative, but when Torri herself needs help, people seem less willing to lend
a hand. While this hasn’t diminished her drive and natural tendency to help others, it
would be wonderful if she could feel some of the love that she puts out in the world
returned to her. Torri has gone through some hardships with unhealthy relationships
with men who have mistreated her, despite her full-hearted love towards them. She also
recently lost her dog who helped her through making the brave choice of ending these
relationships. A rush of letters would let her know that she is not alone and that selfless
love is real.”

Join us in doing just that and writing to Torri a love letter! Make sure your letters are postmarked by December 20th!

Torri’s bundle
c/o Alexandra R.
P.O. Box 171077
Boston, MA 02117
USA

Want to join in more letter writing to bring sunshine to others as well? Sign up on the More Love Letter’s website to receive emails with requests!

After they arrive, all of our letters will get bundled and given to Torri! She is going to feel so loved and overwhelmed by your kindness. I know you all have big hearts and lots of love to share, so let’s send it Torri’s way!

Certainly

Change.  The cold air and colorful leaves are definitely evidence that fall is in full force. We are no longer transitioning to fall. It is here. It’s not freezing cold yet, but also it is no longer warm. I am entering an in-between season also. One of not seeing where I am going to end up, but I am going somewhere. Change brings uncertainty and make my world feel like its spinning.

I don’t like transitions or moving. Goodbye’s are not on my list of favorite things, but they are sometimes needful. In a few short weeks, it looks like I’ll be saying many tearful goodbyes to friends and family. There will be lots of hugs, tears, and love letters too I hope. I’ll pack all my things in brown boxes with clear tape. It will feel final. It’s not going into the attic this time, but in a moving truck and eventually, the new house.

This time often seems to bring some comfort too, if I am where my feet are; not wishing the present away. I need to begin looking at it more like an opportunity to rebuild than a sentence to isolation. I get to be a part of it. 

I’m currently uncertain about:

-What 2019 will end up becoming.

-If my current heath issues will get better.    

-How moving to a new city will be and if I’ll belong.  

-If all my people will still be around in 2019; who will come and who will go.  

-When I’ll able be able to finish my degree in counseling.    

-If someone will come into my life to be honest with me, truly love me, and always stay.

But things I’m certain about are:

-Hard times will never fail to reveal who we really are.

-There is purpose in our pain.

-I am not forgotten; I am seen, heard, and loved.    

-There will always be hope for me to keep close to me; in my pocket.

-No matter where it leads you, honesty is always the best route.
-Without gratitude, I will not be content or very happy.

-Getting a piece of mail in my mailbox always brightens my day.  

-This year has been the hardest one I’ve ever experienced, but I wouldn’t change it for anything because of everything that I would miss.

Let’s not let the uncertainty cloud the certain things in our lives. One day soon, it will hit me that I have made it. I don’t know what it next, but I am here. I’m showing up, and it’s going to be okay. Remember this, friend. Don’t run from seasons of growth, transition, rebuilding, or moving. Just come just as you are and take the next step. Certainly this is no accident. You are part of a story and it matters very much, okay?

Don’t answer that call.

I struggle with feeling worthy of love. There, I just said what I’ve been wrestling with for so long. I hate that I feel this way, I really do. I find myself worrying that someone else will walk away. Many already have this year, who will be next?

Do you know what these thoughts really are, though? They are words from the enemy himself at the door of my heart. He is trying to get me to let him in. During weak points, I sometimes find myself answering the phone and listening to lies. They sound like validation of what I’ve been feeling, so it starts to sink in a little deeper. Listen up, though. We don’t have to be sweet, kind, or polite to him. He is literally trying to wreck us, our lives, and everything in it. If you need permission, or a gentle nudge in that direction, I’m here to to give that to you. Raise your voice and tell him: “Oh no, not today. Not today will I eat your lies or answer your call. I am deeply loved even though I am fully known. I am cherished and adored by the One who made all things.” Then hang up and listen to him no more. He doesn’t deserve a small chat or even a minute.

If what you’re listening to doesn’t line up with truth (God and His words), then its a lie. Yes, we are weak and sometimes shattered, but loved so much. Our brokenness is redeemable and welcomed by Him. There is no room for inadequacy or negative thoughts to take root in a heart resting in promises.

I stayed up way too late last night listening to lies about myself and my life. The things I find myself holding onto to control are currently areas I haven’t been the most consistent in. I haven’t worked out in almost a month, and I feel like I look far from my best. Determination and discipline are hard to muster up when I am overwhelmed with the hundred other things going on. This season is one of transition and just racing to get the important things completed each day.

Since graduating high school a few ears ago, this is the first semester that I haven’t been in school. I have done many other things, but classes just couldn’t be in the plan. We are just about two months away from a new year, and I have little to no idea what I’m going to do next. I know what I want and where I want to be, but I can’t seem to get there. Obstacles stand in my way; things I can do nothing about. It frustrates me because I’m a goal-digger and hustler, but I find myself standing still. Questions and negative thoughts flood my mind. I feel stuck in the pause. I can easily feel frustrated, behind, and not worth much if I listen to the lies. If we let them, they will take deep root and try to choke the joy out of life. They succeed far too many times, because we aren’t willing to fight or think its “just the way we are.”

What we do with fear can either make or break us. Honestly, fear has been a big thing in my life this year, and something I have to constantly let go of. How I view myself and how I think will manifest itself in how I live and behave. The question isn’t if, but when. If I start to believe that I don’t matter and that what I am doing isn’t making a difference, it will affect both my life (present + future) and who I am becoming. This scares me, because I don’t want to look in the mirror everyday seeing that fear is controlling me and what I do.

I don’t want to be known as someone who is afraid.

I don’t want to make decisions and choices because of fear.

I don’t want to be frozen in fear, instead of taking the step of faith.

I don’t want fear to mold me into someone who I don’t want to be.

I don’t want fear to be so loud that I don’t listen to God’s voice in my life.

I don’t want to look back in a year and be able to point and say “Oh, there was fear. There. There. There. There. Oh, and here too.”

Everyday I am trying to consciously make the decision to point out the lies, don’t answer the call no matter how loud it rings, and remind myself of truth. Fear is a liar that does not have to own us. It’s a fight we have to take part in (even when we’re weak) but one that is worth it. Truth is worth it, freedom and faith are worth it, and you are worth it even in this messy, uncertain, complicated life. God’s got this; we’ve got fear to lose but everything to gain. Call up God or a friend for a chat about the lies you are currently fighting instead of answering the call of the enemy, okay? Cheering you on, friend. ♥

I hope this reaches you in time.

I hope this reaches you in time, even if it couldn’t reach her in time.

It was a crisp, sunny day when I found out you were gone. I had been dress shopping with a friend, then after wards we had stopped for snow cones when she told me what had happened. I remember just where I was standing. We were at the exact place you had been working at just months before. My friend and I are nearly the same age you were.

I was speechless at this news; it didn’t seem like reality. It floated in and out of my mind that day, until it hit me that night and every day after that for a long time. I cried more than I had in a long time. How could such a precious life be gone?

Some days I still don’t know what to say. Suicide means something different than it ever did before, and the word alone has forever changed me. I don’t see numbers and statistics anymore. I see hearts and eyes broken with pain, wanting relief. I see bottles of pills dumped out on the counter and a shaking hand grabbing a hand full. I see tears streaming down cheeks as people just want someone to understand, care, and be there.

I now see your glowing, stunning face also. Your laughter was contagious, heart genuine, and love for others evident. I remember how friendly you were, and how you made me feel welcome when we first met. But your suffering was also more real than most people knew. Not too long ago, I found an old picture of you and I. Happiness comes to my heart because of the memories, but also sadness because of what will never be. You left us far too soon, but I want you to know that I will always remember.

It has been nearly six months since you have been gone. I still can’t quite wrap my mind around the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye. The unsaid words in my heart still go through my mind and leave me with so many unanswered questions. I wonder what was your last thought, and if anything could have made you stay. If there had been something, know that I would have done anything to accomplish that.

With all my heart, I wish that you would have stayed. This didn’t reach you in time, and for that I may always ache. But I hope and pray that it reaches “her” in time; maybe someone who is right where you were, caught between hanging on or letting go.
Mental illness matters, talking about it matters, warning signs matter, and addressing your darkness matters, because you matter.

The only thing more exhausting than being suicidal and experiencing depression is pretending you are not. Suffering secretly is one of the heaviest burdens to bear. Mental illness matters, talking about it matters, warning signs matter, and addressing your darkness matters, because you matter. If she could do it over, I know she would want each person to put a semicolon where she put a period. A semicolon means the story isn’t over yet; it is hope for those that continue to fight.

Ignorance is not bliss; the stigma of mental health makes many run the opposite direction. We are losing precious humans all the time, or even ourselves, and that’s not okay. Don’t give in to the thought that you should stop fighting for yourself or your friend. The pain of regret is far greater than being uncomfortable as you talk, listen, or get the help you need.

I’m a big believer that life will get better, but I want you to be here for it. This life is worth living and fighting for, friend. Please keep going, even when you think you can’t.

Be that person that doesn’t tell someone to get over it, but helps them get through it. No one should go through life, much less struggles, alone.

Let’s crush ignorance and educate ourselves, along with others.

Let’s stop the lies and spread more truth.

Let’s stop suffering in secret and bring it into the open. Let’s be brave and show true love as we stand with and for someone.

Let’s end the stigma that tries to follow us; we are real people with normal problems.

It could make all the difference in the world for one, a hundred, or a thousand just like my friend. No one has to be next, nor do I ever want anyone to be next. Let me encourage you to not be silent any longer. I can’t bear to just watch as our generation and others ends their stories. Listen, I want you to know that you are a very special human, encase you haven’t heard that today. Remember life is worth fighting for and I am cheering you on. You are not alone in this, okay?

P.S. More Love Letters shared this story of mine today, and I wanted to share it here also. I’d encourage you to visit over there and read some letters. It’s a lovely place!